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Valerian: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE


TestShoot
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Nothing to see here folks, just a 2+ hour shitshow poorly acted by a writer that believes there are no bad ideas. Dialogue that sounds like it was written in a foreign language and translated by Siri.

 

Remember kids, the fifth element is love...

 

Starts off like if avatar were in pineapple under the sea. 2+ hours of eco/genocide agenda. Actors have no chemistry, he sounds like a kid hitting puberty doing an impression of Joseph Gordon Levitt. Her unibrow made her look like an East German female weightlifter, made worse by a peroxide bleach blonde job and she wears armor that makes her A- cups out to be full D cups. What we do learn is that 500 years in the future there is no need to dress up an AR15, they are just fine as-is and you can put neon or LEDs on them if you like. All this conflict to find an armadillo that eats something and then craps it out. Mainly marbles that look like tiny Earths that individually have like 20megatons of energy.

 

Ends like a Roger Moore as James Bond with the male and female adrift awaiting rescue after he breaks her down and she falls for him.

 

Oh and Rhianna is in there for no good reason and she dies after a scene ripping off the deathstar trash compactor scene from the first Star Wars. Ethan Hawke is resenting losing the lead in Pirates of the Carribean to Depp so he tries on a steampunk wild west thing.

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Hahaha! I had no plans to. They cast two actors who look confused all the time and look more autistic than real autistics. I can't believe they gave the shimmying Egyptian goddess another big part after that cluster fcuk of an Avengers movie.

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Lots of movies I am going to have to see, War for the Planet of the Apes, Dunkirk, the new Star Wars movie, maybe the new Bladerunner, etc....

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It's not bad at all. It was very entertaining and imaginative in some aspects. Also the special effects are cool, it's not a movie that takes itself seriously, it was a lot of fun.

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Definitely going to see this movie. Every time I see somebody hate a movie with this passion I end up loving it LOL

 

I'm game to watch a trash compactor go from Chris Brown to OJ on Rianna. I'll just wait for this scene to be on youtube to save me some sheckles and hours of time.

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