Fathers and sons and the importance of forgiveness...

It seems like just yesterday I was offering my condolences to John after reading the thread about his father passing. When I made my post on that thread, I didn't even take a moment to reflect on my relationship with my own father, admittedly my relationship with my father was not a very good one, in fact we had been estranged over the last decade or so and I had seen him last about four years ago at my maternal grandmothers funeral.

 

My father was a complicated man, an immigrant that came to this country in 1974 with a wife and a two year old son with only four hundred dollars to his name and unable to speak a word of English. With what he had available to him, on his way from Iran to LA during a lay over in NYC, he decided to forgo the last leg of the trip and try to make a go of it in New York. With what little means he had available to him within two years he had established a very successful business which afforded a modest lifestyle for our family. With that said, as things got better for my father, he quickly began to enjoy the fruits of his labor, he partied hard throughout the remainder of the seventies and most of the eighties, to call him a womanizer would be an understatement and with these behaviors the family started to fall off his list of priorities. Needless to say he spent less and less time with us and ultimately ended up leaving us and divorcing my mother, as most of you who've grown up in broken homes may know, this is extremely hard on young children, especially a son who looks up to his father as his hero.

 

As time passed, my father remarried and had another family of his own, I was able to forgive him somewhat for the upbringing that I had and actually told him that all was well between us as long as he was a better father to his new children than he had been to me and my sister. Over the next two decades all seemed well, we had our ups and downs but for the most part things were good and we were able to work through most of our issues together, that was until after nearly twenty years of marriage, he started womanizing again and ultimately was caught at 62 years old with a mistress almost 35 years his junior. This development quickly ruined his family and split up his home, the conflict between everyone involved as well as the economic downturn left him disinterested in his business and it subsequently failed. Once the business went south and the pipeline of money dried up, it's not hard to figure out what happened with the mistress.

 

At this point as an adult with three children of my own, I couldn't deal with him anymore. The ups and downs over the last four decades, the arguments and familial strife he caused was too much for me to bear. As a child my dad at one moment could have been the best person in the world and at another moment the most violent, even against his own family. For these reasons and many more that I couldn't possibly list here, I made the conscious decision to shut him out of my life, I also forbade my wife from having any contact with him and to not allow our children to have any interaction with him. This may sound extremely severe but I thought my actions were justified based on everything we had been through. No holidays together, no well wishes during birthdays, nothing.

 

The last seven months were particularly bad for my dad, things had gotten to the point where he had moved in with my mother and step father. There were things that were going on that I wasn't fully aware of at the time, he was finding it hard to eat and had lost a great deal of weight, he normally weighed around 150 but was now somewhere near 115. I didn't know it at the time but he was apparently struggling with some degree of diabetes as well. Although I wasn't communicating with him, I would check in on him through my mother or stepfather at least a couple of times a week but again, I forbade them to let him know that I was calling. In my mind I was waiting for him to get better and get back on his feet before I would let him come back into my life. It's hard to explain why I didn't want to be involved with him or to even help him directly, let's just say there was too much baggage to have allowed me to go through it all again.

 

Wednesday afternoon (11/28/12) I received the call I never thought that I would get from my mother telling me that my father had passed away. Ultimately I'll never know what exactly killed him but I do know what brought about the end of his life, a broken heart. Although he had people around him during his last days, he was no longer the man that we all expected him to be and in the end he would tell anyone that would listen that all he wanted was to be with his son, the same son who had stubbornly held a grudge and turned him away especially during the last four years. All I'm left with now is an eternity of regrets and second guessing of everything I had done in regards to my father.

 

The moral of my post here today is very simple, do not take your father (or mother for that matter) for granted. If you're upset and holding some sort of grudge or beef then work it out and for gods sake get over it. The mere thought of locking my father out of my life was the worst mistake I could ever make, regardless of how bad our past together was, this horrendous error in judgement ultimately ended up costing his life and endowing me with a lifetime of regret.

 

While I didn't post this to elicit the obligatory RIP comments (although I'd appreciate them) what I beg of you guys to do if you can is to go give your dads a hug. If you're not getting along, stop everything you're doing and figure out how to mend your relationships. If they're down, don't think that it's not your job as their child to do whatever you can to bring them back up to where they should be no matter what's happened in the past and for chirst's sakes, don't make the mistakes that I made.

 

With that said, I thank you guys here on LP for giving me the chance to vent a little, although I've never met most of you here in person, the friendships we've developed over the last seven or so years mean the world to me.

 

To my dad, may he rest in peace and I pray that he is finally at peace with himself and I hope to god he can help me deal with the decisions that I made that led me to where I am now.

 

Extremely sad story Mike. I am very sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to your family.

 

You are correct about crossing the bridge and making the effort. In my own relationship with my dad, if I don't make the effort it won't happen. He doesn't call, doesn't check up on me, nothing. And it is for those exact reasons that you stated that I continue to make the effort with him. Thank you for the reminder why it is important, and thanks for sharing your story with us.

 

 

Abolfaz,

That was a heartbreaking post to read, so I can only imagine what you went through while writing it. I too had a difficult relationship with my Dad, and I have been dealing with similar regrets for the last 3 years since his passing in 2009. My heart goes out to you buddy. I have no doubt how proud of you your Dad must have been, and regardless of the issues between you at the time of his passing, the best gift you can give him now is to live the best life you can, and pass everything you have learned about life on to your own kids. I am sure he is still watching over you.

 

Hang in there my friend!

 

-Mike

My relationship with my father is almost identical to yours was......makes you think.......my condolences to you and your family

My condolences

My condolences, may your father RIP... hopefully you can find the strength to let go of your regret and forgive yourself. Holding on to regret can and will destroy your life as much as holding on to a grudge. Stay strong.

RIP. I know what you are going through I had a very bad relationship with my Dad for a long time. I have a friend who's father is seven steps lower on the scale of awful Dads. He showed me how he dealt with it. It's better to forgive than carry the anger, it's your burden, not his. I also did it for my kids to have a relationship with their grand dad and for that I am truly grateful. Our kiwi friend gla was instrumental in bringing our family back together. An invite to a private track day at Willow Springs, never been to the track without my dad, couldn't accept the invite if he wasn't there. He flew in from Northern Ireland and things got back on track. It's not the same, but I don't have anger.

Thank you for sharing with us that deeply honest and intimate post, Abolfaz. There are some similarities that we share regarding our relationships with our fathers, so your post has struck a chord with me. My deepest condolensces to you. You will be in my prayers.

My sincerest condolences. I was estranged from my father for several years. It was very unsettling.

My mother one day gave me some real words of wisdom, she said "never let someone you know or love pass from this earth and have you utter the words " damn, I wish I had..."

Thank you for sharing your story, may your father RIP.

 

No matter what type of relationship you have with your father or mother, like Mike stated work out what issues you may have and cherish your time you have with them. Life can be taken anytime

 

Great post Mike. May your father rest in peace.

I have been thinking a lot recently about how short life is and how time does pass so very quickly. Thank you for the reminder to stay focused on what's important and not let the little things divert us from love and happiness

A very heartwrenching story.

 

My condolences.

Ive always known we had similar stories... Its what makes us click... Thankfully my father and I are on 'decent' terms... And thats good enough... Especially for my boy's sake.... The grandkids dont understand this "stuff".

 

Dont beat yourself up though... Your father made the choices he made, and you have a right to have sanity in your life... Your job is to be the best dad you can to your kids and not repeating those mistakes.... If you can do that, youre better than most of us.

Rip to your Dad. The best thing now you can do is forgive him in your heart and not make the mistakes he made with your family. It was an odd day when I realized my dad wasn't actually superman, but just a regular guy trying to make a go at life.

 

I have a good relationship with my Dad and despite his occational oddities he'sgood man and has always been. Right now he and my mom are taking care of her parents as the transition to end of life. After they've done that I just want them near me until they pass.

 

All any man can hope for is for right now to see what he's doing wrong and be able to fix it.

 

Again, my condolences.

 

 

My condolences Mike, may your father rest in peace.

My Condolences Abolfaz.

 

Thanks for sharing your feelings. We've never met but I take to heart your advice.

 

 

 

My deepest and most sincere condolences Mike.

 

I don't want to brag but I use to have a really close connection with my dad, has I got older we drifted apart but I still give him a hug when I can (my niece laughs everytime she sees it) and know I am going to be utterly devasted when he goes.

I am welling up just writing that.

RIP and sorry this is so hard on you, but try not to be consumed with guilt. We all do things as self and family preservation and sometimes those things mean cutting people out of your life. I'd be a lot better off if my dad wasn't in my life for the past 5 years, and my grandparents would have been immensely better if they didn't have him mooching off them for the last 20.

 

You weren't holding a grudge, you just didn't risk getting burned again, and again. He taught the lesson you learned and remembered.

 

I hope this isn't coming across too harsh or insensitive. But I've been through a lifetimes worth of bullshit in the past year, and watched people do unthinkable, completely unjustified, just evil things, and it was all one person acting out on their immediate family. At some point being family is overruled by actions that are unacceptable.

 

You have my deepest sympathies in coming to terms with your own thoughts and feelings, but I'm sure you'll gain some clarity when the emotions subside. Hang in there buddy.

 

My heart goes out to you and your family Mike. I'm thankful you shared this and gave us this perspective to reflect on. When reading something so honest you almost can't help to look at similarities with relationships in your own life. It sounds like you did your best with your family in mind and at the end of the day had to distance yourself a little from the baggage and strife. It's terribly unfortunate that in the time you were distanced he passed away. Though it's not your fault. You can't control the timing of these events or other peoples lives.

 

You can do your best for you and your family and sometimes it's messy. Life's messy and things happen out of, what we consider, order. There's pain and suffering we will all go through with circumstances like this and that's part of being human. It really hurts sometimes. You may feel regret right now and that's okay, though you won't hold on to that regret forever. It's a process and the current emotions you feel will change in time. Talking about it and sharing your feelings about the situation is healthy. Your post itself is a reflection on the kind of open and empathetic person you are. You just touched a lot of peoples hearts with your story.

 

All the best wishes to you and your family.

 

Abolfaz please accept my sincerest condolences stay strong and do not blame yourself because the fault it's not yours.

 

My story is equally as horrible, I felt and could relate to every single word you wrote, it brought back very strong emotions and memories, I know how much courage it took for you to share, even after all these years I am still not prepared to talk about it, your are a good man don't be hard on yourself.

RIP. Don't be too hard on yourself Mike. I pretty much keep my emotions in the closet so it is rare for anything more than an occasional hug around the holidays but this type of stuff lately has me rethinking that for sure. Dropped my parents off at the airport this past week for them to go to Europe for a few weeks and made sure to give them both a good hug. Never know when the last time would be.

My condolences.

My condolences and may your father rest in peace.

Very sorry, Mike, may he RIP, best you can do is be the father to your kids you wish your dad was to you so history doesn't repeat itself. Best of luck.

Thanks for the post Abolfaz...taking that wisdom to heart.

 

Don't beat yourself up though... Your father made the choices he made, and you have a right to have sanity in your life... Your job is to be the best dad you can to your kids and not repeating those mistakes.... If you can do that, you're better than most of us.

'nuff said. Press.