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NEED HELP!!!!!! All Dads!!!!!!


Pretzel_Guy
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I recently had a son. My father left when I was five as well. He had a huge gambling problem and my mom wanted to get me as far away from him as possible. Our apartment door had a chain lock and the last memory I have of him was him crying on the other side begging us to let him in. My mom raised me on her own and we eventually moved to an island. That is how bad she wanted me away from him.

 

My mother raised me by herself for most of my childhood and I have never felt that I was missing anything. She was exceptionally strong and I was very fortunate to have her. I learned a ton about how to be a great parent from my single-mother.

 

When I was a teen, I had to move back to the states because the school system was bad. My mom stayed back and I was sent to live with my uncle. He served as a "father figure" and pretty much raised me through junior-high to high school.

 

I believe I grew up fine. I've never felt like I lacked anything in life. I finished college, got married, built a tech company, sold it, and became a father. Everyday I wake up feeling grateful and blessed.

 

2 years ago I had my first kid. While I didn't grow up in a traditional household, I was fortunate to still learn how to be a great parent. My advice is not to get too hung up on the fact that your biological father rolled out. Mothers set a great example too, and you more than likely had father-figures throughout your life. My son's only 2 and he's just starting to learn about empathy. My goal is to focus on what has made me a better person and raise him the same way.

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Huge congrats! My two kids mean the world to me. Would give up everything in a heart beat for them. Homes, cars, clothes, etc. are all just temporary happiness. But when you get to see and feel the genuine love, affection and smile on your kid's face everyday, that's true happiness that no amount of money can buy.

I just think of it this way. When my kids are older and I'm gone and a stranger comes up to them and ask them to describe their father. Whatever I hope to come out of their mouth is exactly that kind of person I strive to be when I'm still living.

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Congrats ! Kids are the single best thing in life. Had my kids when I was young. Regret not spending enough time with them, while building my business. Now a grandfather of 5.

The advise I give my children. Be patient. Babies are like ( don't be offended ) retarded people that are slowly getting better. Old people are

slowly getting retarded. So please be patient. Remember everything, all concepts, tasks, and experiences. That may seem so simple to you.

Are new and completely abstract to children. Give them a little time, you will be amazed how fast they learn the things that were/are difficult for you.

Most of all, enjoy their childhood. It will be over before you know it.

 

 

 

 

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I really appreciate all the positive feedback I'm getting from you Dad's!

 

Keep them coming!

 

Man... All I can say is congrats.

 

On a personal note, I am not a Dad. And honestly never thought that I wanted to be.

 

However, now that I am about to turn 38. I have made huge accomplishments in my personal life. Pretty much have done everything that I set my mind to... I have thought about having a child more and more.

 

I am super excited for you, and am very thankful for this post.

 

Mike

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This is one of the most heartwarming threads I have seen on LP in a long time. :) Thank you Pretzelguy and all who responded. As others have said, just the fact that you are on here asking this question gives me NO doubt that you will be an incredible Father, and that you have your priorities 100% straight. Cheers to you. :)

 

I am 34 and my Wife will be 30 in September. Much to the shock of pretty much EVERYONE around us, a few years ago we had decided "not" to have kids. In our age group, that creates quite a stir amongst people, as the very idea of not starting a family seems absurd to them. (Hell I had people at my WEDDING RECEPTION asking when we planned on having our first kid! #@$%!). While most of our friends are already working on their 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th, my goals have been more selfish and revolved 100% around what I consider my "dream" lifestyle. Things like finally buying a Lambo, getting my Wife the Aston Martin she wants, finally getting out of NJ and buying our forever home in Florida, traveling the world with exotic vacations, spontaneous weekend trips to Vegas, etc (ALL of which we are still working on). For whatever reason, I had selfishly convinced myself that it was always "one or the other" with those things. That until I felt like I had made something of myself and checked off everything else on my bucket list, that there was just no way for a kid to fit into our plans.

 

However, a lot of that has changed in the last 2 years. Seeing the incredible changes in SO many of my friends as they became parents has made me wonder just how much I'll be missing out on if we don't have a family to grow old with. (The post from my good buddy Skokos on here is a great example of such, I honestly found myself smiling just reading it). I now wonder if 30 years from now, I'll regret not having a legacy who I love more than anything in the world, and who loves me as much as I love(d) both of my parents. If not having someone to raise who I can share everything I've learned with, and who I can help become a great person will be a huge regret. Reading these posts from so many very accomplished and successful people is an eye-opener, as it is a reminder of what is truly important in this life. As such, I have found the conversations between my Wife and I shifting a lot recently. While nothing is certain yet, I will say the idea of having kids is definitely back on the table.

 

On another note; since getting married, I have found myself putting WAY more priority on making memories with my Wife and my 72-year old Mother (who lives alone and is probably the best person I know) than in anything material I can buy. After years of convincing myself that I was too "busy" or could not afford to take a lavish vacation, I now make a yearly vacation with my Wife absolutely non-negotiable. I often include my Mom in as many of our plans as possible, often picking up a 3rd movie or concert ticket, surprising her with dinner plans, day trips, unexpected visits, etc. Just to spend time with her and let her know how much I appreciate everything she has done for me. I think giving her a Grandkid may be the best thing I could ever do for her, and I have NO doubt that just "knowing" her would be one of the best gifts I could ever give a child.

 

I still want a Lambo and know that I will eventually buy one. But some of what I have experienced and seen through the eyes of my friends over the years has made me realize that there is a lot of other things I want as well. A lot of which is so much more important.

 

Thanks guys.

 

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Mike, principle rule in life is "never say never" and always embrace change and that you will see things differently every few years.

 

Good of you to reconsider kids as a possibility, and put focus on your wife & mom. It takes till the 30s unfortunately for most of us to really appreciate the parents company, and it could be simply because up until they hit the 70 mark we still see them as young and will be around forever. You've always loved them but it hits hard when you see the #s....and the #s don't lie.

 

Good thread OP, it's a recurring concern for many fathers to be. :icon_thumleft:

 

 

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Mike, principle rule in life is "never say never" and always embrace change and that you will see things differently every few years.

 

Good of you to reconsider kids as a possibility, and put focus on your wife & mom. It takes till the 30s unfortunately for most of us to really appreciate the parents company, and it could be simply because up until they hit the 70 mark we still see them as young and will be around forever. You've always loved them but it hits hard when you see the #s....and the #s don't lie.

 

Good thread OP, it's a recurring concern for many fathers to be. :icon_thumleft:

 

 

Thanks brotha! :icon_thumleft:

 

And you are 100% right. I now understand what my Dad meant when he told me that so much changes from your 20's to 30's, and that I would become a very different person from college (when I thought I knew it all) to a decade later. When he died in 2009, I had a bit of an epiphany in that I realized just how much I regretted not spending enough time with him in his final years. I made a vow to not let that happen with my Mom, which is why I try and involve her in my life as much as possible now (while still allocating alone time for my Wife and I of course). It has been really great the last few years checking things off the bucket list for all of us, making some memories that I know she cherishes more than anything I could buy her. Seeing the posts from all of the guys here regarding their children and how much joy they bring to them, I recognize the same feelings and gratitude.

 

Cheers. :)

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Some great comments here already. I really like the post from NVRENUF.

 

I will second that the fact that you care and want to be a good dad sounds like you are well on your way already.

 

I'd agree that being there and being present is of utmost importance. And while kids are the world, keep some time for you. They need to know that they are massively important but you don't want them to think the universe revolves around them.

 

Stay positive and even-keeled. We all have good days and bad but I try to keep a crap day at work from spilling over to home.

 

Kids need failure. Of course no one wants to see their child injured or stuggle but shielding them from all issues stunts their ability to solve problems and manage setbacks. I try to think of it as a tightrope walk with a safety net down at the ground. They can fall but I will catch them before there are major/irreversible repercussions.

 

Get on the same page with your wife. Make sure you are consistent with each other so there are no mixed or confusing messages. If junior gets in trouble with mom, he runs to me. I tell him that what mom said goes. I do not undermine her authority and vice versa.

 

Love and affection. We are all about hugs and kisses morning, noon and night.

 

Similar to staying positive...you are what they see and will emulate. The way you talk, what you say, the way you treat others, etc. They pick up on EVERYTHING and from a very very early age.

 

Continue to give them more and more responsibility and empower them to do things on their own. My son has been cleaning his room (most of the time) since before he was 2. He is about to be 3 and was out cutting and piling branches with me this weekend (voluntarily). I even let him do some cutting, with my close supervision.

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Another piece of advice, where pictures are great, video is better. Not long drawn out boring videos, but snippets about 30 seconds to 2 minutes. It captures so much more. With current cell phone tech it's so easy to shoot short videos.

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Get on the same page with your wife. Make sure you are consistent with each other so there are no mixed or confusing messages. If junior gets in trouble with mom, he runs to me. I tell him that what mom said goes. I do not undermine her authority and vice versa.

 

I have seen this play out first hand with my wife's sister and her husband. Their 5 year old will go from one parent to the other and play them against each other to get what she wants. At 5, and even much younger the kid knew who the weak parent was and used that knowledge. Needless to say, this not only leads to behavioral issues, but often times leads to relationship issues between the parents. The one benefit is my wife and I having witnessed it agreed long before our daughter was born to always support each other in front of the kid, if we disagree discuss it later when the kid isn't watching.

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Don't leave your wife to do all the kid stuff. Wake up in the night with your kids. The bonding you get when you are 1 on 1 changing diapers, feeding them, singing to them. Watching them fall asleep. That never comes back. You never get another chance to do it. I love taking care of my kiddos.

 

 

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I have seen this play out first hand with my wife's sister and her husband. Their 5 year old will go from one parent to the other and play them against each other to get what she wants. At 5, and even much younger the kid knew who the weak parent was and used that knowledge. Needless to say, this not only leads to behavioral issues, but often times leads to relationship issues between the parents. The one benefit is my wife and I having witnessed it agreed long before our daughter was born to always support each other in front of the kid, if we disagree discuss it later when the kid isn't watching.

 

My kids try that all the time I always ask them "What did your mom say??" The look on their faces quickly changes from hope to despair, they turn around to go try to work on mom again LOL

 

My advice to the OP:

 

You've got some phenomenal advice from the members here, the reason I love this board is because of the quality of the people participating and their maturity when required :icon_mrgreen: ,

 

I lurk on few different forums and the comments I see from the greater majority seem to be made by children rather than adults anyway I digress.

 

My advice to you, always remember that your kids joined your life not you theirs, we never let the arrival of our children impede on our lifestyle, of course we've made slight adjustments but we carry on the same while integrating them.

 

Your relationship with your partner is equally as important, do not ignore each other while fully devoting yourselves to the children, they need your love and support but they also need to learn to be independent and make their own mistakes along the way, they need to understand life isn't easy and things do not fall from the sky, somebody needs to work for the food which magically seems to appear on the table. They know they mean the world to me but they also know that I will discipline them when I have to, also they need to understand value and need to earn the extras they want.

 

Also do your best, and this will be very hard, to stay on the same page with your partner, kids are brilliant at manipulation they are born with PHD in that art LOL

 

Good luck and congrats, there is no better feeling in the world than experiencing the love for your children, I would also like to add, I never leave the house without hugging and kissing them and my wife, if I come and go 5 times in a day, I always do it.

 

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Awesome news to hear! Congrats, and I wish you the best.

 

I am not a father, but I've thought about this often.

 

So, I'm going to give my advice anyway. :D

 

Your job, as a parent, is to set them up to be as independent and successful as possible for adulthood.

 

When they are younger, your job is to protect, educate, and provide for them.

 

As they get older, they will embark on their own journey, but you shouldn't fear anything, because with the toolset you've given them, they should be fine on their own. They will know how to make money, treat others, how the world works, learn work ethic and habit etc.

 

As soon as they are born, their brains are little input devices. Growing, learning, creating connections and storing information at a staggering rate. You are responsible for teaching their brain how to operate. What enviornment you put your children in and whatever habits and ideas you influence them with will stick with them for life. Their brain is strengthening these connections all the time. They do not yet know what they want to be in life and hopefully they will figure that out with your help, leave, and go on to be a success in it. In childhood, the brain is figuring out its enviornment and adjusting accordingly. So, establish goals for your kid early on and promote creativity. Let them develop into what they are supposed to be.

 

Do not listen to other parents regarding parenting. Some ideas work for some kids, others do not. Each individual is unique and the hardest part of being a parent will be being able to be empathetic, learn the personaility, and tailor your parenting accordingly to the child. Each child is going to demand different things. Respond differently. Think differently.

 

Just be what you idealize a good parent to be. And always ask your S/O for feedback regarding your parenting. Sometimes, the best opinions come from outsider prospectives.

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

 

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No, he is raising a child. It may not be his and adopting is indeed an honorable thing to do, but still no excuse for treating a human more like an unwanted pet than a family member.

 

 

If that wasn't a joke that was pretty F-ed up. Was pretty bad as a joke, if it wasn't I don't know what to say.

 

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OP, congrats and some really solid advice here. I have a boy and girl and it has been a wonderful experience with some ups and downs. My advice would be not to sweat the small stuff!! Life has an ebbe and flow, talk with your kids and be "involved" in their live. Teach them morals and ethics through your actions.

 

For the person who said that children have no memories of early life.....nothing could be further from the truth! It's called imprinting and is a vital part of childhood.....(for humans and animals!!)

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congrats!

 

There's a lot of good advice here already so I'll throw in my 2c: Be a parent to your child, not a friend, because that is what they need right now. Be their friend once they are much older, say 28+.

 

All the best to you!

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Congrats and good luck, nothing really else I can say. I have these thoughts too, on whether there should be some little Wheels at some point. But I have lots of other things I wish to do in life first is the thing.

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Imagine that, a kid whose father spent more time with hookers and making sure he was the start of gold rush and the center of everyone's attention with his platinum Lambo and making ridiculous posts about how awesome he is didn't turn out the way you wanted him to. Would've never guessed that.

 

 

post-7524-1493884688.jpeg

 

:iamwithstupid:

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This is one of the most heartwarming threads I have seen on LP in a long time. :) Thank you Pretzelguy and all who responded. As others have said, just the fact that you are on here asking this question gives me NO doubt that you will be an incredible Father, and that you have your priorities 100% straight. Cheers to you. :)

 

I am 34 and my Wife will be 30 in September. Much to the shock of pretty much EVERYONE around us, a few years ago we had decided "not" to have kids. In our age group, that creates quite a stir amongst people, as the very idea of not starting a family seems absurd to them. (Hell I had people at my WEDDING RECEPTION asking when we planned on having our first kid! #@$%!). While most of our friends are already working on their 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th, my goals have been more selfish and revolved 100% around what I consider my "dream" lifestyle. Things like finally buying a Lambo, getting my Wife the Aston Martin she wants, finally getting out of NJ and buying our forever home in Florida, traveling the world with exotic vacations, spontaneous weekend trips to Vegas, etc (ALL of which we are still working on). For whatever reason, I had selfishly convinced myself that it was always "one or the other" with those things. That until I felt like I had made something of myself and checked off everything else on my bucket list, that there was just no way for a kid to fit into our plans.

 

However, a lot of that has changed in the last 2 years. Seeing the incredible changes in SO many of my friends as they became parents has made me wonder just how much I'll be missing out on if we don't have a family to grow old with. (The post from my good buddy Skokos on here is a great example of such, I honestly found myself smiling just reading it). I now wonder if 30 years from now, I'll regret not having a legacy who I love more than anything in the world, and who loves me as much as I love(d) both of my parents. If not having someone to raise who I can share everything I've learned with, and who I can help become a great person will be a huge regret. Reading these posts from so many very accomplished and successful people is an eye-opener, as it is a reminder of what is truly important in this life. As such, I have found the conversations between my Wife and I shifting a lot recently. While nothing is certain yet, I will say the idea of having kids is definitely back on the table.

 

On another note; since getting married, I have found myself putting WAY more priority on making memories with my Wife and my 72-year old Mother (who lives alone and is probably the best person I know) than in anything material I can buy. After years of convincing myself that I was too "busy" or could not afford to take a lavish vacation, I now make a yearly vacation with my Wife absolutely non-negotiable. I often include my Mom in as many of our plans as possible, often picking up a 3rd movie or concert ticket, surprising her with dinner plans, day trips, unexpected visits, etc. Just to spend time with her and let her know how much I appreciate everything she has done for me. I think giving her a Grandkid may be the best thing I could ever do for her, and I have NO doubt that just "knowing" her would be one of the best gifts I could ever give a child.

 

I still want a Lambo and know that I will eventually buy one. But some of what I have experienced and seen through the eyes of my friends over the years has made me realize that there is a lot of other things I want as well. A lot of which is so much more important.

 

Thanks guys.

 

This is one of the most heartwarming threads I have seen on LP in a long time. :) Thank you Pretzelguy and all who responded. As others have said, just the fact that you are on here asking this question gives me NO doubt that you will be an incredible Father, and that you have your priorities 100% straight. Cheers to you. :)

 

I am 34 and my Wife will be 30 in September. Much to the shock of pretty much EVERYONE around us, a few years ago we had decided "not" to have kids. In our age group, that creates quite a stir amongst people, as the very idea of not starting a family seems absurd to them. (Hell I had people at my WEDDING RECEPTION asking when we planned on having our first kid! #@$%!). While most of our friends are already working on their 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th, my goals have been more selfish and revolved 100% around what I consider my "dream" lifestyle. Things like finally buying a Lambo, getting my Wife the Aston Martin she wants, finally getting out of NJ and buying our forever home in Florida, traveling the world with exotic vacations, spontaneous weekend trips to Vegas, etc (ALL of which we are still working on). For whatever reason, I had selfishly convinced myself that it was always "one or the other" with those things. That until I felt like I had made something of myself and checked off everything else on my bucket list, that there was just no way for a kid to fit into our plans.

 

However, a lot of that has changed in the last 2 years. Seeing the incredible changes in SO many of my friends as they became parents has made me wonder just how much I'll be missing out on if we don't have a family to grow old with. (The post from my good buddy Skokos on here is a great example of such, I honestly found myself smiling just reading it). I now wonder if 30 years from now, I'll regret not having a legacy who I love more than anything in the world, and who loves me as much as I love(d) both of my parents. If not having someone to raise who I can share everything I've learned with, and who I can help become a great person will be a huge regret. Reading these posts from so many very accomplished and successful people is an eye-opener, as it is a reminder of what is truly important in this life. As such, I have found the conversations between my Wife and I shifting a lot recently. While nothing is certain yet, I will say the idea of having kids is definitely back on the table.

 

On another note; since getting married, I have found myself putting WAY more priority on making memories with my Wife and my 72-year old Mother (who lives alone and is probably the best person I know) than in anything material I can buy. After years of convincing myself that I was too "busy" or could not afford to take a lavish vacation, I now make a yearly vacation with my Wife absolutely non-negotiable. I often include my Mom in as many of our plans as possible, often picking up a 3rd movie or concert ticket, surprising her with dinner plans, day trips, unexpected visits, etc. Just to spend time with her and let her know how much I appreciate everything she has done for me. I think giving her a Grandkid may be the best thing I could ever do for her, and I have NO doubt that just "knowing" her would be one of the best gifts I could ever give a child.

 

I still want a Lambo and know that I will eventually buy one. But some of what I have experienced and seen through the eyes of my friends over the years has made me realize that there is a lot of other things I want as well. A lot of which is so much more important.

 

Thanks guys.

 

Mike, your thought process and mine are a mirror image. Got married when I was 25. Precondition of the marriage was, we would have no children. I had lofty goals. However after seven years of marriage and much success, I started to have some of the thoughts you been having. I can honestly say that it was the best decision of my life. It changes your perspective on everything. However, still having a few friends that never had kids. If you choose not to have children, you will never know what you missed. People will say, you've got to have kids, you don't know what you're missing. That's the truth. You won't know what you're missing. So not having children is still a good choice. Your life can still be fun and complete. However, I am glad that I made the decision that we did. We have two great boys. My oldest recently started his own company and his first year, he's been more successful than you ever imagine. It's so much fun to watch them grow.

 

OP, As far as suggestions, make your kids work for everything. Too often, successful and wealthy people tend to give their kids everything. Almost no child that's given things, ever appreciates it. I've watched a few trust fund babies, grow up to be absolutely horrible miserable people. Make them earn and work for everything. If you want to give them something, give them a 401(k) or a Roth. Invest in their future. Buy them a house for their wedding. But don't give them too much early on in life. They won't learn how to hunt.

 

As far as a few of the other suggestions, they really won't remember much when they're young. You can take them all over the world, prior to eight years old, and by 10 they won't recall any of it. Just bits and pieces. Spend a lot of time with them when they're young. But don't think taking them tons of places will give them great memories. Spend that money after their eight years old. When my boys turned 10, we start doing guy trips. They got to select the location to go someplace and do something for a week. Just the two of us. I did a trip with each of my boys. We will cherish and remember those trips more than anything. Having them pick the location and plan the trip, gives incredible buy in. It may be something you are absolutely not interested in, but you've now started to understand what they're interested in, and you need to immerse yourself into their world. Understand It. When they get their learners permit for driving a car, absolutely go out and do the 50 hours with them. Don't cheat. Some of our best nights were the nights we went driving together. One night they pick the music, the next night I pick the music. We learned about each other's music. Once you start to listen to their music and understand what they like and why they like it, you may in fact find yourself going to concerts with them. My 23-year-old son recently called me up and asked me if I wanted to go to a Corey Taylor/Slipknot concert. His friends are still blown away that not only did I go, but I knew the music and understood the lyrics. Best advice ever, just be involved.

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Man... All I can say is congrats.

 

On a personal note, I am not a Dad. And honestly never thought that I wanted to be.

 

However, now that I am about to turn 38. I have made huge accomplishments in my personal life. Pretty much have done everything that I set my mind to... I have thought about having a child more and more.

 

I am super excited for you, and am very thankful for this post.

 

Mike

 

 

Mike

 

That's where my wife and I were. We've been fortunate enough to be able to accomplish and do so many things, been blessed in so many ways. We had talked about having children the last couple years and now the time just felt right. Kinda hard to explain it really. Thank you for the kind words.

 

Jason

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Don't leave your wife to do all the kid stuff. Wake up in the night with your kids. The bonding you get when you are 1 on 1 changing diapers, feeding them, singing to them. Watching them fall asleep. That never comes back. You never get another chance to do it. I love taking care of my kiddos.

 

 

Chad

 

I never thought in a million years I would be interested in doing any of the things you mentioned......but I honestly cannot wait, and I am looking so forward to it!

 

Thank you

 

Jason

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