Application and Rules for Dating My Daughter

Application to date my daughter

 

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

 

NAME:________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:___________

HEIGHT:_____________ WEIGHT:______________ I.Q.____________ GPA______________

SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________ __

DRIVERS LICENSE#__________________________________________ ____

BOY SCOUT RANK:_____________________________________________ __

HOME ADDRESS:__________________________________________ ______

CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________

Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ______ yes? _______ no?

Number of years parents married:_____________________________________

Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________

A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_____ Tattoo?_______________

(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

(PLEASE FEEL FREE TO USE THE BACK OF THIS APPLICATION TO ANSWER QUESTIONS 8, 9, AND 10)

 

. Congregation you attend?___________________________________________

How often do you attend?___________________________________________ _

When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?

(supply phone numbers) ______________________________________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

 

What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________

__________________________________________________ _______________

 

 

 

 

ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS

BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.

 

"If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is __________________________________________________ ________________

"If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ __________________________________________________ ________________

"The one question I hope this application does not ask me is _________________

__________________________________________________ _______________

D. (Now answer the question you wrote on #C) ______________________________

__________________________________________________ ___________________

 

E. "When I first meet this girl, the first thing I noticed about her is ______________ __________________________________________________ __________________

 

(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)

 

 

 

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, AND SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.

 

___________________________________________

SIGNATURE (that means your name, moron!)

 

 

 

Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (it will only delay the process). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will

__________________

Whale

 

Pain and suffering are inevitable,

misery is optional.

Daddy's Ten Rules for Dating

 

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a

package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

 

 

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,so

long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your

eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

 

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to

wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their

hips. Don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are

complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,

so I propose this com-promise: You may come to the door with your underwear

showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.However, in

order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the

course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and

fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

 

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,

when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will

kill you.

 

 

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,

we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Do not

do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when

you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I

need from you on this subject is: "early".

 

 

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to

date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my

daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will

continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make

her cry, I will make you realize that which goes around, comes around.

 

 

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,

and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on

time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her

makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.

Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like

changing the oil in my car?

 

 

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my

daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a

wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where the ambient

temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter into wear shorts, tank

tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a

goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic

or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies which feature

chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

 

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,

dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the

all-knowing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are

going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole

truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres

behind the house. Do not

trifle with me.

 

 

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the

sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy.

When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell

me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon

as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in

plan sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that

you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your

car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the

window is mine.

From Family Guy last night

 

Peter to guy who wants to date Meg: "Do you ever sit on your hand until it's numb and then play with yourself after?"

Guy: "Honestly...yes"

Peter: "Not anymore you don't. You're dating my daughter"

 

haha

Oldie but goodie.

 

This is good too

 

 

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the

sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy.

 

true

true

 

TC love your posts...

Oldie but goodie.

 

This is good too

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Have you ever made love to a man?"

"No!"

"Do you want to?"

 

:lol2:

 

I have a friend that went to pick up a girl for a date, her dad opened the door and let him in. then asked " do you like kissing boys?" my buddy answered "no". "that's good. you keep that in mind tonight, because whatever you do to my daughter, I'm going to do to you."

true

 

 

TC love your posts...

Where wheels will be banned for posting more then 3 paragraphs TC should have it for posting less then one full sentence

When I was 14 my best friend and I were at the house of these cute blonde twins...One thing led to another and her Mom walked in on us fooling around with her two daughters on their bunk bed. Lucky for us their SUPER protective step-father was upstairs getting ready for a hunting trip (this was in South Dakota) and as the mother started yelling I remember VERY clearly him racking a round into the shotgun. We took off through the downstairs window and never looked back. I had to walk over a mile back to my house barefoot because I didn't dare go back for the shoes.

 

 

The flip side to that story is that now I'm that asshole with the gun. I've made sure I was back at my parents house any time my little sister (16) brought a new boyfriend over. Have to make sure my guns are nice and clean on the dining room table